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Erf, I’m so sorry, I know I’ve been away for what feels like forever and ever but things have been going really weird lately. I’ve had motivation for nothing. I go out and see Joe and we lie in bed and we sleep and then I come home again. It’s nice. It’s the simplicity that I’ve been looking for. We’ve been going out to gigs and we see each other almost every day and it’s great.

I got that job I applied for too and I’ve started my antidepressants. Now most of you would think (and I think it myself) job, boyfriend, pills- why aren’t you happy? And I’ll be honest, I have no idea why. I mean there are smiles and laughs and the sense of happy emotion when I visit Joe and when I think about him but I’m still no less suicidal, these days I’m maybe more so. I don't want suicidal to sound all dramatic; it's not just a one time emotion it's how I feel all the time. It's very hard to explain. I’m still terribly self conscious and things seem to be getting worse in my head as they get better in my life.

I know that may sound selfish but to you people who don’t know what it is to be depressed and sad it’s just awful. I know I should be happy, I want to be happy. I’m tired of being a shitty, grumpy loser who never goes out and just cries and cuts all the time. Ah, I don’t know.

I dropped 2lbs too :)

I'll get to reading and commenting your blogs as soon as I... get my head mess all sorted out. I'm not a fan of feeling like this. It's horrible. I'll get back to posting more regularly too for those who read. It's a new month so I need to do some new measurements too.

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HAS A BOYFRIEND :D :D
Joe asked me out before we went to the gig last night. Although we've been very, very close since New Years it's all official now. I've had the biggest smile on my face since then. Ahhh :D

Plus, yesterday I walked 4 miles to get to and from the gym and burnt about 300 calories at the gym. And I'm pretty sure I ate about 700 calories yesterday too which isn't the best but I burned most of it off.

I only want to eat about 600 today. I've had 130 already as I try and do a breakfast to boost my metabolism and not die. But Joe is coming over and I rarely eat when I'm around him or I try not to anyway lol. I had the first stage of my job interview just now and that looks promising. I'm going for an induction next week and unless I mess that up badly I'll have a job. Happy happy.

Thanks to Kemper, Embre, Ana's Girl, NightLight, Addicted To Life and Stick Thin for all your lovely, lovely comments :)
They really help and make me feel so much better.
Much love. Stay strong xox

170

La la la.
Hellu, hellu. I've spent the past 30 minutes trawling through all the blogs I haven't read and commenting the ones I have. I should actaully get a move on. My aerobics class starts in an hour and it takes 20 minutes to get to the place. I don't know whether I should eat just to give myself a little something. Nah, I won't.
Today's going to be one of those hard working days where I don't eat much unlike yesterday which ended up being about 1500 when I was doing fuck all :(

Kemper, Embre and Ana's Girl, thank you SO much for your comments. You cheer me up and help me feel better ^-^

Blogging now because Joe and I are going out to a gig tonight and I might end up staying there. But then again, even if I don't I'll just come home and slump in my bed. We're going to another gig on Thursday too. If I don't get this job I'm going to hold off on buying anything for ages :P
Arrgh. I'm dying for a smoooke.

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My oh my. It feels as if I haven't blogged in weeks!

Everything has been a bit of a mess and corresponded in me feeling too depressed/busy to do anything. I officially left school on Friday, applied for a job on Saturday, went to the gym on Sunday and here I am.
That's pretty much what I've been doing- in a nutshell.
I've also been eating quite a lot. I haven't lost, but I haven't gained either. I've been all bloated for the past week because of lady time. Which has been 4 days late and gave me another scare. I use the pill but even so, I still get a bit worried.

I've not been commenting your blogs but I do read. I read all the time I just can't find anything to say. I would like to thank you all for your continued support. It's really, really helping.
I start my antidepressants on Thursday. Apparently they take a few weeks to work but when they do I should be motivated to exercise and to starve. They're putting me on the lowest dose which I know right now won't fix my problems, but it's a start I guess.

I hope you're all well :D
xox

This thinspo comes from Antiseptic fashion.

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Today has been one of revelations.
I went to the psychiatrist for the second time and he's decided to give me antidepressants starting next week. About fucking time. Part of me now thinks I should've gone sooner. Saved living years feeling shit about everything.
And I had a big long talk to my mother about school and we've decided that I'm going to leave and come back to start again when the new school year comes around again in September.
A fresh start.

Hopefully these pills will help with motivation. If I can get my motivation up and eating down everything will work out fine. I feel somewhat optimistic that this is all gonna work out. Although come tomorrow I'll probably think it's the worst idea ever.

Oh, Joe and I definitely have a little thing going on now I think. However, because we're best friends I think we're somewhat less enthused to admit it. I know I am. It just so happens that two of my other friends have been out with him already but yet have only known him less than 1/4 of the time I have. Strange isn't it?

Well, just a quick 'this is what's going on' update.
No motivation for gym but I'm doing lots of walking and indoor exercises.

I didn't tell my psyke about my eating disorder/extreme self loathing. Do you think I should have done? Hummm...

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I think my depression and total ambivalence towards anything and everything is making this a lot harder than it should be.
I'm getting lower in my mood and finding it very hard to get out of bed or even care about anything that's going on around me. I might be getting kicked out of school because my grades are shit, my room is slowly becoming to look more and more like a crack den as the days progress- books, clothes, paper and rubbish everywhere. I roll out of bed unwashed and not caring and do fuck all with my days.
I'm too physically and mentally exhausted to go to the gym too. I sit in my room and just stare into space. I occasionally do a few situps; generally about 200 daily but it's no way gonna work off the crap I've eaten. My tummy is so huge right now. Plus it's covered in cuts and hickies and I've got an ultrasound scan on Thursday which I totally forgot about (don't worry- not pregnant lol). All the nurses are gonna think I'm some sort of mentalist. Which I... kinda am but that's not the point :P

Erf. I need some motivation or something. All the thoughts are still there in my head, the self loathing and the fears/obsessions with food but... I just don't seem to care about feeling shit.
I know that probably doesn't make sense and I'm seriously sorry for the rant. I've had 190 calories already today and I've got noodles for tea. I've no idea how many calories are in noodles but I'm just gonna say that it'll take me up to 600.
I need to start giving a shit.

Thankyou ALL for your lovely comments. I really do appreciate them and they really make me feel better :)
Lovelove xo

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I'm at 134. I don't seem to be getting anywhere with anything. It's a super strange feeling. I feel so motivated to get thin but then eat. It's like my brain is two people. It's odd, very odd.
I saw Joe again yesterday and I made up for not going to the gym lol. He's so thin and gorgeous. I feel so horrifically horrible when I'm around him. If anything I'm starving so I look better naked when I'm with him.
There's always some new reason. Some new reason to starve and this is it. My feelings towards him are all very confusing. I'm pretty sure I'm in love with him but I don't know. He's been such a good friend for so many years and it's all getting a bit messed up. We're both a bit nuts and we get each other. Or at least I think we do...

One thing I've found as well the band 3OH!3, not the normal music I listen to but it's amazing workout music. All upbeat and stuff. When I have it on I can't help but jump around. The album is well worth a buy/download.

I hope you're all well xox

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Omg I haven't blogged in forever :(
I'm really sorry. I've been all a bit busy and rushy lately. Seen a lot of Joe and had a lot of work to do.

I'm not sure how eating has been going really. My appetite has decreased for some reason so I'm happy going through the day on 400 cals without a second thought. Although then I come home and have a few biscuits and then I'm back up to 700 or higher. Like yesterday I probably had my 700 and then ate my way past 1200 without even realising it. It's like I'm not in my own head. This glazed over girl is the one eating; not me.

But yeah, the reason for my eating so much yesterday is that I was a little bit all over the place. I went to see a psychiatrist for the first time in 3 years and it was a bit odd. She asked me things and I was truthful and honest; unlike 3 years ago when I lied and said I was fine. I told her about stuff that I've not even told you on here. The fact that I see stuff, hear stuff. By the change in her facial expression I could kinda tell it's not good. She's referring me to a psychiatric doctor who I'm seeing on Wednesday.

Anyway, enough of ramble. It's Friday morning and I don't want today to be more than 500. I need to go to the gym too. I always eat less on gym days... it's weird :S

Much love xoxo

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About 600 calories yesterday. I don't think I ate any more than that really. Joe came over for about 9 hours. I was supposed to be going to school but I didn't. I keep on not sleeping well and I'm getting really depressed about it. He cheered me up though. He always does. I don't know if it's me but... I dunno. I kinda do really love him like SO much and I kinda hope he likes me too. It's all so complicated in my head and it makes me sad. We kissed and cuddled and it was so nice to feel held, even just for a short while.

Today should be better. I've had about 200 so far because I've been at the biscuits. I'm gonna try and stay under 600. Shouldn't be too hard.

xox

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I love, love, love my new exercise ball. Time was spent on the computer doing random things have been replaced with exercising and I love it!
Like I said yesterday, things are getting gradually better. I did a bit of yoga today but not much. I've had a terrible headache all day which doesn't make for much head movement. It doesn't matter though.
College again for the first time in ages tomorrow and I'm looking forward to being out of the house. Also means I'm away from food for the majority of the day which is always a bonus. Although the weather forecast predicts snow... I don't really care.
So yes, I hope you're all well :)